In the wrestling biz, they refer to a “curtain match” as a main event SO compelling, that all the other wrestlers on the undercard gather around monitors behind the curtain backstage to watch, rather than just going home once they finished.
I had no way of predicting how the topic would be received, and for a while there in the late-afternoon hours, I was beginning to think I had blown it. We were having some fun up to that point, but it was just me, Pants, AC, Cat & Octo. Some good stuff was flying around, but I felt largely that everyone else had given a collective ehhh. Little did I know that what was building was one of the most epic and memorable days in Haiku History.
Enter 50PageMcGee. Much like the Ultimate Warrior, when he beat the Honky Tonk Man at Summerslam 89 for the Intercontinental Title, it looked like we had an Unstoppable Force, nothing but offensive firepower that could not be stopped.
WWF - Honky Tonk Man vs Ultimate Warrior - MyVideo
The match itself is only 30 seconds. Warrior’s post-match interview was twice as long. But this is what it felt like with 50’s first haiku.
Enter Octopunk. The proverbial Immovable Object, meeting the Unstoppable Force head on. What happens when the two collide? Not even Gorilla Monsoon could answer that question, as he asked it approximately 3,000 times over the course of his broadcasting career. (2,000 of which were accounted for in the two Hogan matches listed above.)
It’s 8 minutes, all of it good. The commentary is especially good, if you replace “Hulk Hogan” with “50Page” and “Andre” with “Octopunk.” Gorilla makes it to the 1:47 mark before he uses the phrase.
50 & Octo traded blows in a gladiatorial showdown the likes of which we’ve never seen. Like a hurricane fighting a tornado, or a mega shark fighting a giant octopus, it was a battle that can barely be explained – you simply just had to be there.
Or an Earthquake fighting a Typhoon
The sheer brilliance of it is that accidentally (or symbolically-on-purpose), the very topic brought out the best in these two. Rather than our usual collective wit-fest, we all became gradually aware that our roles were to sit back and enjoy the show. Octo & Fitty became the gladiators in a main event that I don’t think either of them planned on being in. We had all performed our duties on the undercard admirably, and now, the “curtain match” main event was at hand. And it did not disappoint.
Space limitations prevent me from reprinting their entire exchange, which of course you can find here. But here’s my highlights of some of the more impressive, devastating blows, taken from consecutive postings, so you can really witness the sheer seesaw nature of the battle. I begin with Octo’s first jab after 50s Revenge Fantasy (more on that later). The comments alternate between the two.
Revenge fantasies
I save for those who hurt me
Not sloppy pissers
let me get this straight
your method of starting shit
is to *talk* to me?
While you are reeling
I'll pee on your white shag rug
Laughing my ass off
judo sweep the leg
elbow drop onto his spleen
spleen bursts on impact
Spleens are for pussies!
I rip mine out to prove it
Blind you with spleen juice
next comes the bellows
plugged into mouth, pump pump pump
make an octo blimp
(This was midstream in the Fireplace Accessories series, but it was the one that KILLED me…and now, a double-roundhouse from Octo…)
As his mouth opens
In drops the atomic bomb
My aim's good today
To protect myself
I open small parasol
Got from coyote
(At this point, it was anybody’s match. I couldn’t tell WHO was going to emerge victorious. The parasol’s reappearance alone was nuclear.)
with face-melt powers
i do some rearranging
now he's Uwe Boll
50 throws a punch
Morph Boll face into anvil
Humorous clang noise
octopuddle goop
reshape into giant nose
rub into my rug
My sobs are a ruse
GIANT ATOMIC SNOT BOMB
All Gretchens sticky
From here, the battle just turned insane. Not only was all of Horrorthon involved, but then Octo pretty much went berserk, laying waste to all of us, along with Hawaii, California, and Canada. His big finish:
Stan surveys wasteland
Shaking head and tut tutting
I sneak up behind
Heat vision? Doom breath?
Radiation arsenal
I opt for wedgie
The best part of this haiku battle was that it had everything, intelligence, wit, humor, incredible imagery, cartoon-like flights of fancy, celebrities, and all of us. The worst part of it was that I got wedgied at the end. Taking nothing away from Octo’s superlative, valiant, brilliant retaliation, BUT…for starting it all off with an epic haiku series about a revenge fantasy on a sloppy piss job that had by turns, almost all of the above elements, for inspiring the rest of us (Octo more than anyone) to lofty heights, for those reasons, (let's go to Howard Finkel at ringside), the winner of this bout…and NEWWWWWWWW Haiku Heavyweight Champion…
50…PAGE…MC-GEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!
The crowd goes berserk
Octopunk can’t believe it!
Parasol wilting
