Oh boy! I know it's a good hump day when I can't stop giggling at work and there was much to giggle about this week. JPX liked the caption concept so much that he suggested that it replace our regular weekly poetry slam. I agree that it has a lot of potential and that the poetry thing has has lost some steam. However, ultimately our Wednesday competitions should simply serve as an enjoyable way to pass the time in the middle of the work week. I propose that it should be the responsibility of the winner come up with something that's fun and encourages participation. It can be a haiku contest, a caption contest, a short story narrative like the old "Finish it Friday's" or anything else our little hearts desire. I'd like to hear your thoughts. The evolution of Horrorthon is at stake.
In addition to addressing each comic individually, I'm also going to reveal them in their original form. Let's dig in, shall we?
MARY WORTH
When you think about it, it's pretty remarkable how Mary Worth has the ability to put you to sleep in a mere 2 panels. In a recent experiment inspired by morbid curiosity, I read 3 months worth of The Worth and all that transpired was 1) they flew a kite and 2) they talked about enjoying the simple things in life. That's IT. Who reads this shit? Who, in this day and age, gets all excited to pick up the daily paper to check in on a snippet of cartoon gossip? Crazy old people, JPX and myself, that's who.
From JPX:
Panel 1:
“And then I said to Blanche, ‘Blanche, you have to get with the times, I know it’s difficult adapting to new things, but look at me, if you had told me a year ago that I would be using email I would have thought you were crazy’…”
“Mmmm Hmmm”
Panel 2:
“I know technology can be scary but we have to keep up with it, right? Just yesterday my grandson told me that he wants to teach me how to use Face Book so I can stay abreast of everyone’s busy lives. Harold, can you imagine me, Mary Worth, using Face Book?
“For the love of God would you please stop talking?”
Hahaha! I was ready to declare JPX the winner right then and there but then AC pointed out Mary's missing lower legs:
Panel 1:
"Harold, i've had my legs cut off below the knee, as a gesture of love for you!"
"Where are the legs?"
Panel 2:
"Why, at the hospital, of course!"
"But it's the legs i was interested in."
Winner: JPX by a hair
MARMADUKE
Ahh, Marmaduke, how I hate thee. Ever since Handsome Stan mentioned 'Duke's (assumed) foul odor I've never been able to look at him the same way.
JPX: “Why…didn’t…I…change…the…batteries…in…the…carbon…monoxide…detector…last…winter? Feeling…sleepy…"
AC: "Phil, i think someone's been eating his own shit again!" [Freakin' hilarious]
Whirly: "I think the condom broke!" [I don't get it but I like it.]
Tony: "Do I smell peanut butter?"
Julie: You're a great lover!
Handsome Stan: "Why can't I just masturbate in the living room in peace?"
Octopunk: "It is TIME. I REVEAL myself as your LORD. CLEANSE the neighborhood. KILL them ALL. But first get me some SNAUSAGES."
From yours truly: “Phil, get your big fucking dog out of the living room before I kill him. *sigh* Nothing like waking up from a lovely nap to the sensation of warm, fart breath on the back of my neck...”
Catfreek: "I've been stuck with this smelly dog since 1954, that's 399 dog years! Why won't he die? Whhhhyyyy!!!"
Winner: Tie between AC & Catfreeek
FOR BETTER OR WORSE
A more appropriate name would be "For Better or Worse (But Worse More Often Than Not)".
Whirlygirl:
Frame 1 -
Husband: Woo-hoo the Red Sox beat the Angels 10-1.
Frame 2 -
Wife: You're so insensitive! Don't you care about Little Susie? Look at her sparkling eyes, and cute button nose.
Frame 3 -
Husband: I thought the picture came with the frame?
Octopunk:
Panel 1
My face is a mask of anxiety and hopelessness. I can't change it. Even you, reading your paper, look anxious.
Panel 2
Watch. All I'm doing now is reaching for this picture on the night table, but you look like I might be going for a gun.
Panel 3
Note my despair as I look at this random baby. I look like the face on the album cover for The Wall. What's the big fucking deal?
Catfreeek:
Panel 1
"So John, I was thinking about all the years to come with little Michael."
Panel 2
"I conclude that the bad will outweigh the good. The sheer cost alone will break us, not to mention the aggravation and gray hair."
Panel 3
"Do you think it's too late to put him up for adoption?"
JPX:
Panel 1
“I can’t believe how fast the kids are growing up, I feel like we just got married yesterday”
Panel 2
“I know, sometimes I miss the carefree days before motherhood but I wouldn’t change a thing about our lives”
Panel 3
“Did you fart?”
All four of those were positively delightful but JPX's was perfect. It completely captured the bittersweet sappiness of the comic in the first two frames and then pulled the rug out from under us in frame 3.
Winner: JPX
FAMILY CIRCUS
Family Circus causes brain damage. This cannot be confirmed because everyone who has attempted to prove the hypothesis by studying the comic has suffered brain damage and thus lost all credibility.
Octopunk:
Mom: Well, Jeffy,it finally happened. That imp from the 5th dimension touched Dolly and her brain exploded all over the floor. Oh God, he's leaving the panel now. Jesus Christ that freaks me out.
Jeffy: Holy fuck!
JPX:
"Not Me, who made this mess?"
"Billy did it!"
Winner: Octopunk
CATHY
And finally we reach "Cathy" - the histrionic cartoon role model for unfunny, unattractive women who won't shut up about themselves despite their lack of self esteem. Her antics have been pissing me the hell off ever since I learned how to read.
50 Page McGee's lone submission struck comic gold because of his decision to ignore Cathy completely.
intro -
Cathy's father: Guess what, Cathy? The Lifetime Network just offered to make a TV series out of your comic strip.
Cathy: (nothing but static because 50p is holding his thumb over where cathy is standing)
setup -
C: (static)
climax -
C: (static)
denouement -
Dad: But think how great it will be to meet *the* Jennifer Aniston!
C: (static)
JPX:
“Cathy, look at this old picture I found of your great-grandmother”
Panel 2
“Wow, she looks just like me! I wonder what she was thinking when that picture was taken!”
Panel 3
“She’s so young and so full of life! She looks so happy and optimistic!”
Panel 4
“Stop shouting. Did anyone ever tell you that you sweat a lot?
“It’s a medical condition!”
Winner: 50 Page McGee
And now for The Big Winner. If I may paraphrase the Simpsons - in a way you're all winners. But in another, more accurate way, JPX is the winner. Congratulations on winning a hard fought battle. The ball is in your hands now, brother!
